July 2005

07.31.2005
Quarterback: The Legend of Ron Mexico
Everybody makes mistakes. However, some mistakes are considerably funnier than others. Just about every celebrity blunder seems to fall into the "funny" category. The hoi polloi get a real kick out of people better than themselves blowing it and winding up as the butt of a Weekend Update joke. (Hey, if SHE screwed up, and I thought she was perfect, maybe my life ain't so bad after all.) Enter the profitability of Celebrity Justice, Entertainment Tonight, Hard Copy, Extra, and E!

But celebrity screw-ups aren't funny to everybody. For example, my Fair and Balanced source at Fox News tells me that Mike Tyson punched his pet tigers in the balls. While we all find this humorous, I can only assume that the comedy escapes Iron Mike. Plus, I doubt the tigers found it very funny. Go ahead, ask Hugh Grant what he thinks of Divine Brown jokes. See if the Hiltons are amused by the success of "One Night in Paris."

One of my personal favorites is the Legend of Ron Mexico. Earlier this year, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was sued for negligence and battery for allegedly infecting a woman with herpes. Oops! Things only got worse when the woman's lawyers claimed that Vick used the alias Ron Mexico "for the purpose of herpes testing and/or treatment," among other reasons. Since then, the Ron Mexico sensation has swept America. "How do you pull a name like that out of the air? Use Bob Smith or Jim Johnson; there's 50 million of them. Out of all the names in the whole world, I wanna know how he picked this name out," wonders Brighton, Michigan auto parts supplier Ron Mexico. "People are asking me if I know him. I don't, of course."

So Vick isn't very happy about the attention his alias has been getting, and neither is the NFL (ABC, however, is happy about the attention its Alias has been getting). Vick's teammates tell him to wait out the storm and let things pass. I disagree!

Michael, beware the dangers of following the road to celebrity sleazedom half-heartedly! You are off to a good start, but don't quit after your first attempt. Excess and daring alone will take you from antagonist to World's Biggest Star. Remember that Paris Hilton became the biggest celebrity of the past year by doing everything she could to tarnish her reputation and damage the family name. Create a buzz and keep it going! Can you imagine the potential of releasing "Ron Mexico: Catch This" and "One Night in Mexico" on DVD?

07.29.2005
Bananas
Instant messaging baffles me. I don't understand the appeal. It attracts me, but I have no idea why (much like Eatza Pizza and Puttin' on the Ritz by Taco). In fact, I essentially hate computers nowadays. I have to stare at a monitor for 8+ hours everyday at work, 4 in class, and then countless others at home, managing my e-life. Some people are B-A-N-A-N-A-S (obligatory) about IM, but I prefer to use it only when I'm on a computer under duress. One of these aforementioned bananas-people spun this gem of a conversation with me earlier today:

  Alana: you didn't tell me you saw someone who looked like me at chipotle
  Geoff: i forgot
  Alana: so was she pretty
  Geoff: no, she looked like you
  Alana: jerk

True story, and I present this as exhibit A. Evidence! Nothing fruitful is accomplished on IM! But speaking of fruit, I went to the Safeway on Rural and Broadway on Sunday morning. It was recently remodeled and is now Very Nice. Anyway, I went in with a pragmatic grocery list, and walked out with $20 of toiletries and $50 of fruit. No surprises there; I've had a huge craving for fruit lately, after years of nothing but restaurant meals and processed meats. Plums, nectarines ("Yum-my. That was dee-licious." -LD), grapes, apples, bananas, oranges, cherries, and peaches. I bought them all - and loved them all. But the most important item was the bananas. When I got home from Safeway, I ate six of them for lunch.

07.26.2005
Point/Counterpoint
I like to read the Drudge Report once a day to keep up on the haps. What's strange is that it's essentially a one-stop shop for all of my current events, political news, and celebrity gossip needs - written by a pretty staunch conservative-libertarian. Conservabertarian? Conservatarian. For example, Matt Drudge has a weekly radio show on Sunday nights. Last week, he had a segment about the foolishness and immorality of reading Harry Potter, because it paints witches in a favorable light. Don't get me wrong, I think the guy is awesome... but he can be a good-ol'-boy at times.

Being the reasonable fella that I am, I've lately been seeking out a liberal counterpoint to this daily conservative point. So I turned to the Drudge Report's liberal counterpart: The Huffington Post. Honestly, I didn't think the links were as good, the celebrity gossip as juicy, or the headlines as retardedly sensational. But then what to my wondering eyes should appear, but Larry and Laurie David's blogs! And THEN what to my wondering eyes should appear, but this Larry David quote: "How about that juicy nectarine I had today. Yum-my. That was dee-licious. The problem is fruit is so inconsistent. When you get a good one, it’s all luck. Fruit is like blackjack. The casino wins most of the time."

He actually said "Yum-my. That was dee-licious," and Arianna Huffington actually put it up on her website. That is awesome, even if her permission to let LD rant once (and only once, mind you) was a stab at relevancy ("He is POPULAR; we can appeal to apathetics!"). One way or another, it got me pumped. I doubt John Roberts has this much bi-partisan appeal.

07.25.2005
Metablog
How often is someone supposed to blog? Daily? Seems a little desperate. Weekly? Seems a little lazy. Where does the happy medium lie? I'm new to the whole blogging lifestyle, so I am unsure of the etiquette. Anyway, I'm essentially writing this right now because I am obligated to... I went the weekend without typing anything and I feel like a scalawag.

I was not idle however; if you notice I moved a ton of photos online over the weekend. All the 2005 pictures are up there now, including my trip to Europe and Memorial Day weekend in Rocky Point. The earlier photos will be going up shortly. I've also got to give big ups to the main man, Tim Agne. He's a professional blogger-meister, and recently linked to the Incredible Eagle. Repaying in kind, Google-bombs away!

07.21.2005
Heatwave!
As of this morning there have been 19 deaths in the Phoenix metro area due to the recent heatwave. According to the AP, "14 of the victims were thought to be homeless." I'd guess the other five were thought to be elderly. One home in Mesa was 110 degrees at 6:30 pm when a 92-year-old man was found dead by authorities, bringing up a point I've been talking about with some people lately (you were right, Lewis). The same temperature feels vastly different indoors versus outdoors. For example, 85 degrees spells a beautiful spring afternoon in the park while 85 degrees in your home is just disgusting. 110 degrees indoors will cook a pizza. And old people.

I really don't pity the homeless and elderly. They're lucky, really... at least they're dead. We still have to put up with this insufferable climate for three more months. Its been, what, three straight weeks of 110 degree highs, with the temperature failing to drop below 90 at all on some nights? If I weren't in the middle of grad school right now I'd move away. I have limits you know.

There's another reason why I don't pity the homeless right now. If they're dying in the heat, why don't they just go somewhere else to be homeless? Its not like they have a family and a mortgage tying them down. They could catch a bus to Santa Monica for what, $30? One bum interviewed by the AP has been "staying close to water by sleeping near one of the city's irrigation canals. 'In the mornings, about 9 or 10 o'clock, when it starts getting really hot, we just jump in and take a swim,' he said." In our irrigation canals! They smell like stink-bait! For $30 you can trade that canal for 8 hours in an air-conditioned Greyhound Bus and years in the Pacific Ocean. A bum could make that money in three days of begging on Mill Avenue. Easy choice if you ask me.

07.20.2005
Beat Me Up, Scotty
James Doohan, most famous for his role as Star Trek's Mr. Scott, passed away this morning at his home in Redmond, Washington. I must admit that as a semi-fan of Star Trek (look, The Wrath of Khan and The Voyage Home are objectively sweet), this saddens me. However, it turns out that I didn't know Mr. Doohan as well as I may have thought I did. Born and raised in British Columbia, JD fled an unhappy home life, joined l'armée canadienne, and found himself on Juno Beach on D-Day 1944.

The story takes a strange turn. According to the AP, "The Canadians crossed a minefield laid for tanks; the soldiers weren't heavy enough to detonate the bombs. At 11:30 that night, he was machine-gunned, taking six hits: one that took off his middle right finger (he managed to hide the missing finger on screen), four in his leg and one in the chest. Fortunately the chest bullet was stopped by his silver cigarette case."

Ok, silver cigarette case stopped the bullet. More importantly, a guy missing his middle finger wound up on Star Trek. What kind of explanation is "he managed to hide the missing finger on screen"? This is a show that prominently features middle fingers spread from ring fingers in a Vulcan salute every ten minutes. Kirk did it, even though Shatner was famously unable to seperate his middle and ring fingers unaided; did Scotty have to do it sinistrally?

Jimmy D also told the AP "I like Captain Kirk, but I sure don't like Bill. He's so insecure that all he can think about is himself." Shatner is the sci-fi Burt Reynolds. Self-absorbed, hammy superstars from 35 years ago that still saturate pop culture as caricatures of their former selves (Drag Your Career in a Tailspin Through Decades of Self-Referencing Parody). Beyond that, however, the similarities end. Burt Reynolds sucks at screaming "KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!"