August 2005

08.29.2005
How I Spent My Summer Vacation
People have pointed out that my website has not been updated recently, but I assure you I am not shirking. No shirks. August 15 was my birthday, and the beginning of a week in the hospital, followed by a week of convalescence. So, briefly, here's the story...

I'd been feeling mildly ill for two weeks. August 15 I woke up exhausted and throwing up at 9:00. By noon, I could hardly move anymore, so I called my dad for a ride to the doctor's office. I threw up some more at the doctor's office and went osteostatic. Consciousness started drifting in and out, and the doctor called 911. The paramedics came, hooked me up to an IV, and took me to Banner Mesa Hospital in an ambulance.

I waited on a stretcher bed in the emergency room, throwing up, for about an hour until I got moved into a little room. ER doctors and nurses came and went, drawing about a dozen blood tests and pumping IVs into my arm at a rate of 1000 mL an hour. Fearing I may have had meningitis, the doctor gave me a spinal tap. However, the spinal fluids came out perfect (as did my Mono Spot blood test).

Around 11 PM I left the ER and was admitted to a hospital room where I spent the next week. I felt a little bit better each day. Thursday, the doctors decided to discharge me and have me recuperate at home. Unfortunately, I had developed some headaches the day before, and sitting upright, for the first time, on my way down to the ground floor exacerbated them. Soon, my head was absolutely exploding with these blinding headaches and I was sent back up to my room.

The doctor told me that the headaches were most likely a result of the spinal tap. It appeared that my spine had failed to heal properly and was leaking spinal fluid, but, to be safe, I had two cat scans done to make sure nothing else was wrong. Friday morning the doctor tells me that the cat scans revealed an abnormal object, 11 mm in diameter, deep in my brain. Although, it was not responsible for the headaches, the doctor did not know if it was a tumour, a result of head trauma, something I had just been born with, or the remnants of a stroke.

So, Friday afternoon, I had two MRIs done on my head. And then, Friday evening, I had surgery to repair my leaky spine. An anaesthesiologist performed the procedure, drawing blood from my arms and injecting it in and around the hole in my spine to clot the leak. It was a comedy of errors, and probably the most painful procedure I have ever undergone, as the doctor was initially unable to find my spinal tap entry point and had to dig around my vertebrae, searching. Then, the blood draw failed and they had to call for backup as my circulatory system went into shock, collapsing veins and coagulating my blood before any could come out. All in all, awful but eventually successful.

Saturday morning, the headaches had subsided and my spinal fluid was slowly replenishing itself. The MRI results came in without news, and my doctor referred me to a neurologist (who I am seeing soon). And, at long last, I was cleared for discharge late Saturday evening. And, at long last, this chapter is over, and the story will be concluded in my next posting. Final diagnosis: unknown. The doctor is 95% sure that I was suffering from a viral infection, either West Nile Virus or something equivalent. But it was the spinal tap and its subsequent headaches that did me in worse than anything else.

08.11.2005
You're Not My Real Dad
I've got some bad news for all you fathers out there. A new study in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, released this week, claims that approximately one out of every 25 fathers could be unwittingly raising another man's child. Depending upon geographic and socioeconomic factors, the rate of this paternal misapprehension varies anywhere from one to 30 percent. The next time you are in class or at lunch, just look around - you are surrounded by illegitimates.

According to Professor Mark Bellis and his colleagues, the majority of these cases were due to women having sexual relationships outside of marriage. He said that in the UK, 20 percent of women in marriages or long-term relationships have had affairs, adding that the figures for other developed countries were similar. Thus, the researchers attribute their findings to general cuckoldry, two-timing, and the fact that women love to play musical beds. Reading between the lines, we can only assume that little Mark Bellis Jr recently took a paternity test. Bitter, party of one.

The real problem at hand is this: if Dad is fit as a fiddle, but your real father has a history of hereditary heart disease, you'll never know to alter your lifestyle! "The importance lies not so much in the figure itself but in the implications, given that as a society we are increasingly making our decisions on the basis of genetics," says the vigilant Bellis. People, we have an epidemic at hand. If you have noticed that you never really looked like Dad (different ethnicities, etc), be safe, get tested. It might be time to eat Egg Beaters and start jogging.

This new report also paints Michael Jackson in a favorable light. Although it lends no creedence to his child molestation refutations, it does support his earlier claim that "Billie Jean is not my lover / She's just a girl who claims that I am the one / But the kid is not my son."

08.08.2005
Weekend Musings
As Mondays go, today is pretty agreeable. 85 degrees and raining all day - a dream in Phoenix - but a Monday nonetheless. So, as I return to the grind, some miscellaneous thoughts on the freshly killed weekend:

I've felt nauseous for the past week, and I have no idea why. At first I thought it might be food poisoning. Then I suspected the stomach flu, but, alas, my only symptom is persistent nausea. My mom hypothesized that this is payback for seven months of morning sickness.

Peter Jennings passed away yesterday. Isn't it ironic that the three Big News Anchors all left the industry more-or-less simultaneously? PJ and Dan Rather resigned for reasons beyond their control, but Tomatillo Brokaw retired of his own accord. If I were Brokaw, I would have stuck around for another year or so to bask in the spotlight as The Man. Competitors bested! Last man standing! BMOC!

Brad Diaz, a paparazzi photographer, was shot in the thigh on Saturday while lurking around Britney Spears's Malibu baby shower. Shot by a BB gun. Suddenly the story bores me. It would have been so cool if K-Fed started shooting a rifle at the paparazzi to defend his lady's honour. Jeez, or use a trebuchet, or at least blow poison-tipped darts into their thighs. Anything but a stupid BB gun. (It would also be cool if he played the Most Dangerous Game with the paparazzi on his estate.)

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a new nickname that isn't a Governator-esque pun. "The Terminator star has more than 100 boots at his Los Angeles home, and is nicknamed Imelda Marcos by his wife, Maria Shriver." Schwarzenegger has an armed guard to defend his gold-plated shoes at the Sacramento Hyatt. "The actor-turned-politician refuses to leave his shoes without someone to protect them, and insists: 'It's my rule.'"

Sports: the Suns might get Joe Johnson back. The Hawks owners are suing each other and Sarver says the Suns will match and keep JJ if the trade falls through. They badly need a shooter, but do they need Joe Johnson for $70 million? Nervous! Finally, and most essentially, I want to point out something important. Roger Clemens's ERA is 1.38 at this point in the season. Absurd! But that pales in comparison to the truly remarkable: his road ERA is... 0.37! I'm not joking! It is actually 0.37 after two thirds of a season. Good thing the Incredible Eagle drafted him, because he's a must-start in all fantasy formats.

08.03.2005
Sufjan Stevens
I went to the Sufjan Stevens concert at the Marquee Theater on Monday night. I arrived in a weird mood, having struggled with paper-writing all evening after a very long couple of days. I liked SS before the show, but this concert just blew his recordings out of the water. Oddly, the main man was accompanied on stage by seven or eight musicians clad in cheerleader uniforms. The uniforms make sense, you see, because they performed Illinois-themed college cheers betwixt songs.

They were earnest, funny, impeccable musicians. In fact, the concert sounded about as rich as I have ever heard live music sound; their songs kept lulling my brain into pleasant stand-by. It was just what I needed after a long day. However, things may not all be as they seem. On Tuesday morning I learned a little bit more about Sufjan, from my Michiganian friend Johan*. The following is his tale, verbatim:

"He [Sufjan Stevens] went to Hope College where Karen* and my friend Gary* went. Apparently he was a really weird dood in college and not that socially adept. At this party one time he was playing guitar and singing and no one was paying attention to him... So he went to the back of the house and got this sheet and this candle and put the sheet over himself and started walking through the party holding the candle and singing to himself to attract attention. Problem was, he tripped in the middle of a group of people and caught the sheet on fire... He ran out of the party embarrassed while the other people stomped it out leaving a big burn mark in the carpet. When questioned about this occurence...I think by Karen at a show....he said, 'I don't know what you are talking about, we don't talk about that' and abruptly walked away."

Poor Sufjan - troubled genius, a wizard, a true star, etc (Attn Rundgren: we all love Something/Anything, A Wizard A True Star, and Bat Out Of Hell, but you have the worst website I've ever seen). Perhaps not too grounded, or as cool as he seemed in concert, Sufjan brightened my evening nonetheless. Thanks man. This Bud's for you.

*witness's name changed upon request

08.01.2005
OFF THE CHAIN
It's that summer blockbuster time of the year again, and my favorite film reviewers are back in action with a new critique. About once a month, one of three Arizona Cardinals (either Anquan Boldin, Reggie Wells, or Darnell Dockett) reviews a movie currently in theaters and posts their appraisal on the Cardinals' website. The reviews are brief and divided into three parts: plot summary, personal take, and rating. But the results are just astounding.

This month, Darnell Dockett reviewed Mr. and Mrs. Smith: "Angelina Jolie’s lips are off the chain! They definitely had chemistry, but I could have played Brad Pitt’s part a little better." Wanted a closer examination of those off-the-chain lips, did we? Dockett’s Rating: Touchdown.

Darnell's writing style is fairly consistent. For example, in his May 13th review of The Amityville Horror, he exclaims, "This movie is off the chain! OFF THE CHAIN! I love scary movies and I’m a little strange myself so it was definitely my kind of show." Why don't I ever think of cool stuff to say like "off the chain"? I guess that's why he plays football for the Cardinals and I play computer job for Acumen Inc.

The best assessment, in my opinion, is Anquan Boldin's review of Johnson Family Vacation. Boldin boils down the movie's premise: the family drives to Mr. Johnson's family reunion. "They have a couple of adventures including strange hitchhikers and a pet alligator," says Boldin. He continues to explain how the movie was corny and poorly done, but concludes by saying, "The best part of the movie was when they stopped at the first hotel and he planned a romantic evening for his wife. She cons him pretty bad and it is hilarious."

Anquan’s Rating: Field Goal.