September 2005

09.27.2005
Honkin' On Bobo
The Arizona Cardinals were projected in the preseason to be a playoff contender by people like me. Fortunately, my predictions regarding the Cardinals were apparently accurate for once. According to the Arizona Republic, "[Coach] Green started his weekly news conference by saying the Cardinals were 3-0. He also said that he didn't believe fans were upset." I just hope they throw the rest of the season and get the #1 pick next year.

I was thinking this weekend about the Cardinals drafting Leonard Davis with the number two overall pick in 2001, immediately after the Falcons drafted Michael Vick. I started wondering who was drafted after Davis and Vick that year... who did the Cards pass up? The last two Denny-Drafts have been good, but historically the Cardinals waste their annual top 10 pick. So...

Q: What talent did the Cardinals pass over in 2001 to snatch up an offensive lineman who jumps early five times a game?

A: With the second overall pick they selected worthless Leonard Davis. With the fifth overall pick, the Chargers selected LaDainian Tomlinson [*wince*]. But there are more big names the Cardinals have avoided in order to select mediocre, bad, or long-gone players...

2000: Cardinals draft (and no longer have) Thomas Jones ahead of Plaxico Burress, Brian Urlacher, Bubba Franks, Sebastian Janikowski, Chad Pennington, Shaun Alexander, and Dennis Northcutt.

2001: Cardinals draft Leonard Davis ahead of LaDainian Tomlinson, Santana Moss, Adam Archuleta, Deuce McAllister, Reggie Wayne, Todd Heap, Drew Brees, Alge Crumpler, Chad Johnson, and LaMont Jordan.

2002: Cardinals draft (the recently released) Wendell Bryant ahead of Deion Branch, Antwaan Randle El, Clinton Portis, Patrick Ramsey, Javon Walker, Ashley Lelie, TJ Duckett, and Jeremy Shockey.

2003: Cardinals draft (mediocre) Calvin Pace ahead of Willis McGahee, Larry Johnson, Kyle Boller, and Rex Grossman.

The list goes on and on. The Cards passed up Randy Moss in '98 and Daunte Culpepper in '99. They didn't draft Tom Brady or Ben Roethlisberger, but you can't really blame them. Oh well. Anyway, I fielded some questions about the image in the previous post last weekend.

09.23.2005
All The Hits, One Night Only
The Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald Good Times Band:

09.22.2005
I Talk Smack
The other night I was browsing the Internet for sustenance and happened upon a really strange banner ad. It brought back memories of this stupid billboard I saw in south Phoenix that claimed "7 out of 10 women think designated drivers are sexy". Perhaps. Unfortunately, 8 out of 10 women think designated drivers are wimps.

This Internet ad was much stranger, because it had a picture of a Big Mac and an invitation to design a coach and talk smack to football players. So I went to italksmack.com and played the game. First, I had to design a stupid, ugly football coach using McDonald's proprietary Coach Customizer. I got to choose whatever face, nose, ears, mouth, and "gear" I wanted! Cool, huh?

Then, using McDonald's very own Smack Book, I combined phrases, actions, and soundFX to make my personalized coach talk smack to an out-of-focus backdrop of generic offensive linemen. My experience culminated with me mousing over the Big Mac in the corner of the webpage and seeing lettuce fly out of it.

Its probably the worst website I've ever seen, but nowhere near as strange as Saddam Hussein being given the keys to the city of Detroit in the 1980. That's a real boner!

09.16.2005
Nature Calls
On Thursday morning, the Times ran an unusual photo from Reuters on its front page. Reuters supplied the image with this caption: "U.S. President George W. Bush writes a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations in New York September 14, 2005. World leaders are exploring ways to revitalize the United Nations at a summit on Wednesday but their blueprint falls short of Secretary-General Kofi Annan's vision of freedom from want, persecution and war."

That is clearly NOT what's important about this photo. The note that the President is writing to Ms. Rice reads: "I think I may need a bathroom break? Is this possible?"

All ensuing "George WC Bush" puns are nominated for Worst Joke of the Year and thus delivered to your cell phone every morning (commercial I saw on TV for SMS joke-a-day service: "Our jokes are so funny, we'll make your sense of humour even better!" If that's a foretaste of the feast to come, I think I'll pass). Telling water closet jokes in America is like telling SUV jokes in England. Hmmm. WC Fields?

Well, someone gets a black eye for this one, and, incredibly, its not the Bushster! Instead, Reuters dropped the ball and acknowledged yesterday that the image had been enhanced in Photoshop. On the Joseph Heller scale: a feather in the cap for Rupert Murdoch, a black eye for Reuters, and I'd call it a wash for George Bush.

Of course we all know what this means - Bush is putting Reuters on a tight leash from now on: "There is a saying in Texas, and probably here in Tennessee, 'Fool me once... [long pause, deep thought] shame... on me. [Another long pause] Fool me twice... [more thought, sudden insight] ...won't get fooled again!'"

09.14.2005
The Long Arm of Justice
Associated Press
MIAMI BEACH, Fla. -- Shaquille O'Neal provided an assist to police over the weekend, trailing a man who allegedly assaulted a gay couple before alerting an arresting officer.

The 7-foot-1 Miami Heat center, who is in the process of becoming a Miami Beach reserve officer, was driving on South Beach around 3 a.m. Sunday. He saw a passenger in a car yell anti-gay slurs at the couple, who were walking, said Bobby Hernandez, a spokesman for the Miami Beach Police Department.

The man then got out of the car and threw a bottle, hitting one of the pedestrians, who was not seriously hurt. The man got back in the car, which sped off. O'Neal followed, flagging down an officer who made an arrest, Hernandez said.

Michael Gonzalez, 18, was arrested on charges of aggravated assault and assault with a deadly weapon. The driver of the car was not charged.

O'Neal, who hopes to be a police chief or county sheriff one day, was already being fitted for his Miami Beach police uniform before he helped the police out.

"For this incident I don't want to be credited as an individual who does police work," O'Neal said in a statement. "I want to be credited as a Miami Beach police officer."

Epilogue:
"Going from Army base to base as a kid taught me to be a man of all nations. I'd go to the Jewish people and say, 'Shalom, brother.' I go to the Muslim people and say, 'Salaam aleikum.' I go to the Chinese people and say, 'Nee hao mah,' which means, 'How you doin'?' I go to the Japanese people and say,'Konnichiwa.' I go to San Antonio, Texas, and I get along with the Mexicans. Then I go to Louisiana and hang with the Creoles. Moving around a lot made me a man of all people."  -Shaquille O'Neal

09.09.2005
What Deaner Was Talking About
People are confused by what exactly it is that I am doing in school now. Most of you are pretty sure that I graduated at some point. Many are certain that I was in the business school at ASU in some capacity. Accordingly, when referencing my continuing education, I am typically asked a question like, "Hey Geoff, how's that MBA going?"

Well, I am getting an MS, not an MBA or an MU. To clear things up, an MS will make me a Master of Science, whereas an MBA would make me a Master of Business Administration, and an MU would make me a Master of the Universe. Hopefully my parents will get it right before I graduate. "Hey Skeletor, how's that MU going?"

Without further ado, here is a long-awaited update from the indispensible 2000-2001 Irish C constituent, Dean Steitz...

GB: I don't know what you've done since freshman year at ASU. I heard you were a forest ranger in norway or somesuch.

DS: I think Eric is spreading this Norweigan forest ranger crap. Totally untrue. I thought about studying abroad in Sweden when I was in the forestry department at Purdue but it never happened.

GB: I am disappointed to learn you were not a forest ranger. Don't bother returning to Tempe. Ever. Give me a brief autobiography from 2001-2005.

DS: 2001-2005? Yeah, not the best of times. Essentially my parents forced my hand on going to an Indiana state school so I transferred to Purdue. Seeing as I hate Indiana that didn't go too swimmingly. I did, however, work in a botany lab and was offered a postion in a soil science lab. I also did internships in West Lafayette (soil consultation place), Pittsburgh (Pittsburgh Zoo and the Pittsburgh Parks Conservancy) and Palisade, Colorado (organic peach & cherry orchard). During that time I essentially took two semesters off from Purdue, as well. And I kinda got into activism (United Students Against Sweatshops, mainly). However, I ran out of college money in 2004 and took an EMT-Basic certification course instead while working at one of Purdue's college bookstores.

GB: What are you up to now? Going to school in Tucson or what?

DS: I'm now out here establishing residency this year and then I should be transferring to UA to finish up my double major in plant sciences (horticulture systems) and environmental science (soil science) with a minor in Spanish. And I'm trying to get an EMT-Basic job to pay for it. Currently, I'm working in the kitchen at Caruso's (Italian restaurant) on 4th St. in Tucson and getting paid shit. It's not a very glamorous story but that's your summary.

GB: A lot of the Irish C folk from 2000-01 are still around in tempe so you should definitely come up here some weekend and hang out.

DS: Until I get an EMT job, my guess is that I won't be making any trips out of Tucson. However, I'm pretty sure I want to go up to Phoenix once the NBA season starts to catch some Suns games - I'm an NBA fanatic. I just got here so I'm sorta working some stuff out right now but I'm definitely intrigued by the idea of visiting with my old Irish C mates. I'll let you know when I head up there.

09.08.2005
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Time may change me, but I can't trace time, and the last time I'd cut my hair was August, 2004. Over a year later, the unthinkable happened. Observe the hastily photoshopped before-and-after montage on the right. The "before" image on the left is from September 1, 2005. The "after" image on the right is from September 7, 2005. I never thought it would happen, but I am finally back to being a decent human being. I kind of feel like Anna Nicole Smith in the Trim Spa commercials: "Hi! I'm back! Yay! Hey! I'm back! Hi!" My head has lost eight pounds of hair, fifteen degrees of heat, and three horizontal inches.

Perhaps as a defense mechanism, I somehow could only find a really goofy picture of myself with long hair, thus glorifying the new 'doo. I just want to say that I liked my hair long, and I didn't always make that goober face. It just got hot and messy and tangly and took an hour to dry after my all-too-frequent showers.

More: As an addendum to my previous hurricane talk, a friend referred me to an interesting article from the Times. It supports some of my comments while disputing others, and briefly addresses my biggest problem with the Bush administration: "A President who stands for shrunken government has found himself presiding over far too much of it."

PS: I have some very exciting news for all of you, to be published in the Next Issue of T.I.T.E.I.Y.D.N.B.I. (assuming you know a man by the name of Dean Steitz). I've been in touch with old Deaner quite a bit lately, so get ready for some fabulous updates. Including the final word on the Norwegian Forest Ranger story we've all heard rumours of these past four years.

09.06.2005
A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall
Obligation, yeah, but I don't know what to make of this. The French newspaper Le Figaro explains that America is simply showing its weakness: a capitalist empire that cares nothing about its own poor citizens. We invade other countries and devote our troops to foreign regions, as long as they're of economic importance. But America couldn't produce a troop presence in its own drowning metropolis. Did the federal government fail the people who most desperately needed it? I hear on the news: Canadian soldiers arrived in New Orleans before American troops did.

George Bush is a racist because almost every person staying and dying in New Orleans was black. Thanks to George Bush's ineptitude and hatred, black people resorted to cannibalism to survive. The thing is, it doesn't matter if its true or not; we can withdraw our premise and leave our conclusion intact. People are dying and veracity's a frustrating mess.

No one who stayed in New Orleans is responsible for staying. The government didn't give them money to leave. The wealthy didn't give up a portion of their excessive salaries to buy them a $10 bus ticket to Baton Rouge. Nobody said, before the hurricane, "I'm just going to ride it out," or, "We've been through this before and I'm not leaving my home," or, "I want to experience a hurricane." Everyone, who chose to accept, was provided free transportation to, and lodging in, the Superdome before Katrina arrived. Current estimates indicate that some 10,000 people died in the city over the next several days. Fewer than 10 died in the Superdome. In my opinion, survival trumps squalor, but those who refused shelter are not accountable for their own decisions.

The people who roamed the streets stealing and raping and killing were desperate. They were living through the apocalypse. You can't blame evildoers if you don't have a police state to uphold the law. These were desperate times. George Bush did not restore lawful order soon enough, considering that in America, dignity and respect are not individualized values, but part of a de rigueur, federal social policy. You can't blame individuals if the government fails to suppress them.

My heart truly goes out to everyone who experienced loss in New Orleans. I cannot fathom the hardship of losing everything - your home, your job, and all of your possessions. But the rest is not for me, so you go ahead. Pity the thieves' and murderers' desperation. Excuse those who blame everyone but themselves. Because in America, everyone has a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We're all entitled to food, clothes, medicine, homes, TVs, cars, and three weeks of paid vacation every year. If you don't earn it yourself, we may or may not give it to you, while squabbling about it for the rest of our lives.

09.01.2005
How I Spent My Summer Vacation, Part II
Continuing my hospitalization and recovery story, I spent a few days at my dad's house. It was pretty tough to sit up or move around due to the dizziness and nausea that would hit me. So, I laid on my back and wasted a few days away.

Eventually, I returned to my house in Tempe and gradually got used to sitting up again and moving around a little bit. I tried to take a walk around the block on Friday, and just got nuked by the sun and the exertion. Slowly but surely, I have felt a little bit better each day. Now I'm back at work and school, and its a challenge to get through the day without being exhausted or dizzy or sick. But its getting better.

The doctors still don't know what I was suffering from. They are fairly certain that I had some sort of tropical virus - either west nile virus or something similar. I saw a neurologist yesterday and he believes that the abnormal object in my brain is the aftermath of a stroke. Its unclear when it happened or why, but it appears to be fairly old. There's no real way to treat it or know much more than that reliably, so low-dose aspirin it shall be.

In somewhat better news, I've been on prescription Dilaudid for the last week. It is essentially the same thing as Palladone, except that its still legal to sell in the pharmacy. Dilaudid is pharmaceutical hydromorphone, processed to be about eight times stronger per milligram than traditional morphine. Its sold on the street as "drug store heroin" and costs $60-100 per pill (I have maybe ten left, yay). Its pretty wild stuff... as strong as it comes for prescription painkillers. Its been evident why Dilaudid is so addictive.

But I'm getting better and someday, babe, I'm gonna leave you. Pull a William-Burroughs-fast-one on Dilaudid. Won't rue the day. Hopefully I'll be up to snuff next time I post, now that I have this tale out of the way. Go back to some ironic, late-breaking news analyses. There's been a hurricane. RFK Jr told me that its George Bush's fault.