December 2005

12.29.2005
A Brief History of Sealand
The Principality of Sealand is a micronation that claims as its territory Roughs Tower, a former fort located in the North Sea six miles off the coast of England. Sealand, with an inhabitable area of 550 square meters, is occupied by the family and associates of His Royal Highness, Prince Roy Bates.



The Founding of Sealand
On September 2, 1967, the fort (then in international waters) was occupied by Paddy Roy Bates, a British subject and aspiring pirate radio broadcaster. He ejected a competing group of pirate broadcasters (including Ronan O'Rahilly, a man who had managed the Beatles for a week and advised George Lazenby to quit the role of James Bond after starring in just one Bond film, "On Her Majesty's Secret Service", believing the franchise would not survive into the 1970s) and claimed sovereignty on the basis of his interpretation of international law.

By late 1968, the British navy had become aware of the new situation off the coast of England. As it was interested in ending the occupation of its former sea fortress, the British navy duly entered the territorial waters claimed by recently self-proclaimed Prince Roy of Sealand. Aware of his sovereignty, Roy of Sealand threatened the navy by undertaking defensive activity. Shots were fired from Sealand in warning.

The Golden Age
Since Roy of Sealand was still an English citizen, he was thus accused of extensive crimes in gun-free Britain and was summoned to an English court. The result of this lawsuit in Chelmsford, Essex was a spectacular success for Sealand's claim to sovereignty. In its judgment of 25 November 1968, the court declared that it was not competent in Roy of Sealand's case as it could not exert any jurisdiction outside of British national territory. This decision is the first de facto recognition of the Principality of Sealand and gave birth to Sealand's national motto of E Mare Libertas, or "From the Sea, Freedom".

Seven years later on 25 September 1975, Roy of Sealand proclaimed the Constitution of the Principality. Over time, other national treasures were developed, such as the flag of the Principality of Sealand, its national anthem, stamps, as well as gold and silver coins launched as Sealand Dollars. Finally, passports of the Principality of Sealand were issued to those who had helped Sealand in some way.



International Strife
In August of 1978, a number of Dutch men came to Sealand in the employ of a German businessman. They were there to discuss business dealings with Sealand. While Roy was away in Britain, these men, with the aid of the Prime Minister of Sealand, Alexander G. Achenbach, kidnapped His Royal Highness Roy's son Michael (the heir apparent) and took Sealand by force. Soon after, Prince Roy recaptured the island with a group of his own men in a helicopter assault, and held the attackers as prisoners of war.

During the time that he held the prisoners, the governments of the Netherlands and Germany petitioned for their release. First they asked England to intervene in the matter, but the British government cited their earlier court decision as evidence that they made no claim to the territory of Sealand. Then, in an act of de facto recognition of Sealand's sovereignty, Germany sent a diplomat directly to Sealand to negotiate for the release of their citizen.

Roy first released the Dutch citizens, as the war was over, and the Geneva Convention requires the release of all prisoners. However, Gernot Pütz, a German lawyer who held a Sealand passport, was charged with treason against Sealand and was held unless he paid £18,000. Prince Roy, who was grateful that the incident had not resulted in a loss of life, and did not want to bloody the reputation of Sealand, eventually released him as well.

On 1 October, 1987, Britain extended its territorial waters from 3 to 12 nautical miles. The previous day, Prince Roy had declared the extension of Sealand's territorial waters to be a like 12 nautical miles, so that right of way from the open sea to Sealand would not be blocked by British claimed waters. No treaty has been signed between Britain and Sealand to divide up the overlapping areas, but a general policy of dividing the area between the two countries down the middle can be assumed.



Sealand Today
Following his repatriation to Germany, former Prime Minister Achenbach established an "exile government", in opposition to His Royal Highness Roy Bates, assuming the name "Chairman of the Privy Council". Upon Achenbach's resignation for health reasons in August 1989, the rebel government's "Minister for Economic Cooperation", Johannes Seiger, assumed control and continues to claim that he is Sealand's legitimate ruling authority.

In 1997, forged Sealand passports started turning up around the world. The source of these forgeries was traced back to Johannes Seiger and Gernot Pütz, the treasonous German. Dubbing himself Minister of Finance, Pütz had created a fake Sealand Business Foundation and distributed thousands of passports around the world.

These passports were involved in several high-profile crimes, including the murder of Gianni Versace. Prince Michael of Sealand addressed the issue, saying, "Some of these people [responsible for the forged passports] were involved in the terrorist attack on Sealand in the 1970s that nearly resulted in loss of life, and did involve an international incident with the British, Dutch and German governments."

Today, Sealand boasts a thriving culture and a high standard of living, in spite of being the ruins of an abandonded World War II sea fortress with a permanent population of five people. According to an official notice, "The Principality expects to continue to develop its artistic sensitivities and cultural activities and is pleased in this way to make what contributions it can in the hope of being able to enhance both the lives of its population as well as the lives of others in the international community."

Sealand has recently opened an online store in which it sells nobility titles. According to the website, "Do you sometimes get the feeling you were destined for greatness? Would you like people to give you a little more respect? How would you like to join the ranks of the privileged few? No longer do you have to be content being Mr. or Mrs. Average. Now, you can join the silver spoon club without resorting to marriage or inheritance. Yes - you can now become an official Lord, Lady, Baron or Baroness of Sealand."

For more information, contact the Bureau of Internal Affairs, Principality of Sealand, SEALAND 1001 (c/o Sealand Post Bag, IP11 9SZ, UK).

12.27.2005
The Great American Road Trip
In June 2002, I took a road trip with my dad and brothers around most of America and parts of eastern Canada, in the comfort of our then-new Boeing Ford Explorer. In about three weeks, we drove 10,000 miles and saw 31 states and 4 provinces. Here's the map we drew up before the trip:



The map is not perfect (we deviated slightly from our plan), and mostly ignores our Canadian exploits. Nevertheless, our highlights included stops in San Antonio, Houston, New Orleans, Florida, Atlanta, Washington DC, Baltimore, Gettysburg, Philadelphia, New York, Boston, Maine, Halifax, Prince Edward Island, Vermont, Niagara Falls, Detroit, Milwaukee, Chicago, and Denver. In retrospect, the length of this list disturbs me, especially as it is nowhere near comprehensive. Fortunately, we are of hardy stock, travelling more than 1,000 miles in single days!

Seeing the sights was incredible, but not as much fun as the weird memories. For example, we went to the Chig Chah / Tic Toc Cafe in New Orleans, drove out of our way just "to have been to Florida", and got lost and chased by murderous thugs on the mean streets of Detroit (for which I was wrongly blamed). We hit a deer on the New Jersey Turnpike and saw a mob boss peeing all over a bathroom wall, under the protection of his bodyguards, in our Yonkers hotel.

We bought putrid sandwiches from a she-male named Becky in upstate New York and blocked off Burger King urinals in Michigan with potted trees (for which I was, again, wrongly blamed). Speaking of urinals, I was using one at a grocery store in Wisconsin when an employee strolled in, and, seemingly unaware that the culprit was still sitting in the stall, shrieked, "Oooooweeee! What died in here?!"

Enough hubris. After a herculean effort, I have scanned and catalogued a great number of photos from this trip and deposited them online. So check them out. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll hurl. Like I did on Christmas Eve - hey, thanks for the food poisoning, Subway (Eat Fresh)!

12.16.2005
Arizona Cardinals, I Am Ready To Fight
Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Arizona Cardinals.

Q: How do you keep an Arizona Cardinal out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: What do you call an Arizona Cardinal with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: Why doesn't New Mexico have a professional football team?
A: Because then Arizona would want one.

Q: What's the difference between the Arizona Cardinals and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: Where do you go in Arizona if there's ever a tornado?
A: To Sun Devil Stadium - they never get a touchdown there.

Q: How many Arizona Cardinals does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we'll never find out.

Q: What do the Arizona Cardinals and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

12.14.2005
311, I Am Ready To Fight
(AP) - Former Creed lead singer Scott Stapp and members of the band 311 were involved in a fight on Thanksgiving in the lounge of a luxury hotel, according to hotel security staff and 311 members.

311 were in Baltimore for a weekend concert when several members ran into Stapp earlier that day, band drummer Chad Sexton told The Associated Press. Both Stapp and 311 have the same producer, and Sexton said there were no problems during the first meeting.

But Stapp later came into the Harbor Court Hotel bar while Sexton and bandmates SA Martinez and P-Nut were watching basketball on television. He stepped in front of the screen and said, "311, I am ready to fight," according to Sexton.

Sexton said the band tried to defuse the situation, and Stapp went to the bar to drink. Later, he made "inappropriate" comments to Martinez's wife, and was confrontational with Sexton.

"All of a sudden, he clocked me in the left side of my face," Sexton said. "Then a huge fight broke out."

During the melee, Martinez broke a finger and later went to the hospital to have a cast put on his hand. Security guards eventually broke up the brawl. Police were called, but no arrests were made, according to hotel security.

"It was an unfortunate incident," Sexton said. "We are not brawlers."

Beth Keifetz, vice president of publicity at Stapp's label, Wind-up Records, wouldn't comment on the reports of a fight.

But Jonathan Jordan, director of security at the hotel, said the incident was captured on security cameras. He said Stapp was "attacked" by several members of 311 and that it took two security guards to break up the fight.

"It was definitely started by 311," Jordan said.

12.13.2005
Thick as Thieves: A Photo Evidence Blog
Last Friday, a teller at the Bethlehem, PA Wachovia Bank branch was handed a note by a young man in line. The note explained in no uncertain terms (see Exhibit A, below) that the man had a gun and wanted money.

Now, nineteen-year-old Greg Hogan (see Exhibit B, below) has been arrested and charged with robbery, theft by unlawful taking, and receiving stolen property. Hogan is a sophomore at Lehigh University... and its class president! Furthermore, the university's student senate president drove him to the heist! The reasons why Hogan robbed the bank remain unclear, as he easily posted his $100,000 bond after making off from the bank with only $2,871 (see Exhibit C, below).

All I can say is this: shame on you ASU. You claim to be a rollicking, life-in-the-fast-lane party school, yet you excoriate Brian Buck and elect politicians like Goad and Bondelli who have probably never even robbed a bank in their whole lives. Granted, the Irish C residence hall tried to justify ASU's reputation via the Acquisitions Committee, but never did it occur to ANYONE to rob the Memorial Union's Wells Fargo branch.

We need to stop focusing on the U of A so manically and realize there are bigger fish to fry out there. Namely, Lehigh University and its student body's quest to pull off way cooler stunts than ASU even dreams about. The Irish C Acquisitions Committee has to reconvene and kidnap Styx to one-up those Lehigh posers. We need to pull together here - I'm talking about Pride in the Desert!

Exhibit A:


Exhibit B:


Exhibit C:

12.12.2005
The Best of Times: A Photoblog
A couple of months ago, I was at Best Buy, browsing DVDs in the "music" section, trying to find the Talking Heads' "Stop Making Sense" video. No such luck. I crawled my way forward through the "T" section to no avail, and then doubled back again to be sure. But when I hit the end of the "S" section, I spotted something tucked away on the bottom shelf. Something sad.

The Styx 20th Century Masters DVD cost seven dollars (which I found unaffordable), so Lewis chipped in and I bought it. You don't need to actually see the video to know what it's like; just look at the cover. It is that, exactly, for thirty minutes. Look at how they look. Look at how they are acting. These guys were on top of the world in the late 70s because of it.

The DVD features music videos from some of the biggest hits that these rock 'n roll tycoons ever released, including Come Sail Away, Mr. Roboto, Too Much Time on My Hands, Blue Collar Man, and my personal favourite, The Best of Times. Strangely, a number of the videos feature fake concerts, with the band playing on a fake stage to a super-imposed audience.

The 1970s were the Best of Times for Styx. They were macho and blue collar and they knew it. I think it was the confidence they gained from that knowledge that eventually strong armed me into buying their DVD and watching it 50 times. They sing the absolute sleaziest, most sappy songs ever written without a trace of chagrin or self-awareness. Congratulations Styx, you stole my seven dollars. But I won the war - look at how you look today! You suck!