March 2006

03.22.2006 Comment...
A Low Brow Defense, Part Deux
After last week's character assassination of Jack White, it is time to turn this eagle's attention to another indefensibly low brow celebrity: Vincent Gallo, whose film, The Brown Bunny, premiered at the 2003 Cannes Film Festival.

The screening of the film at Cannes, where audiences openly let their displeasure be known with loud boos and catcalls, was a fiasco, bringing co-star Chloë Sevigny to tears and provoking a humiliated Gallo to apologize for the film. Critical reaction was so hostile that the film quickly became labeled the worst in the festival's history, and many journalists even questioned the entire festival's artistic direction in admitting it in the first place.

The film is a rambling odyssey about a motorcycle racer (Gallo) who undertakes a cross-country van drive in search of his former lover. The road scenes received especially heavy ridicule, consisting as they do of lengthy unbroken shots out the van's windshield, and one sequence in which Gallo parks the van and washes it in real time. Further ridicule was based on the fact that the film's cost was estimated at $10 million. It eventually grossed $356,734 in a limited U.S. release.

Gallo, however, took a defiant stance, defending the film and denying his Cannes apology. A war of words then erupted between Gallo and popular critic Roger Ebert, with Ebert writing that The Brown Bunny was the worst film in the history of Cannes, and Gallo retorting by calling Ebert a "fat pig with the physique of a slave trader." Ebert then responded, paraphrasing a statement once made by Winston Churchill that "although I am fat, one day I will be thin, but Mr. Gallo will still have been the director of The Brown Bunny."

Gallo then put a hex on Ebert's colon, cursing the critic with cancer. Roger Ebert responded that "even my colonoscopy was more entertaining than his film". In retaliation, Gallo told Ebert that he had been misquoted, and he had actually wished him cancer of the prostate and not the colon.

In early 2005, Gallo made a posting on his merchandise website offering his "disease-free" sperm for $1 million. Gallo, however, refused to sell it to anyone of "extremely dark complexion." However, he offered discounts to blonde-haired, blue-eyed women. Gallo was also open to Jewish women because he thought if his offspring became an actor, "this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar."

If fertilization was unsuccessful, Gallo said the purchaser had to pay for any additional attempts, but said he would "supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery." In addition, Gallo said he would impregnate through intercourse for an additional $500,000, but would waive the fee for anyone that he found attractive. Purchasers were not allowed to use his surname for their child.

In early 2006, Gallo made another website posting offering his services as an "evening or weekend escort." He was open to any woman who would pay his fee of $50,000 for one night or $100,000 for a weekend (plus expenses), a "security fee" to be determined by the "details of an encounter and how much security I will need," and a $50,000 per day fee if flight travel was needed. He required STD scanning, bathing, grooming and "detailed photos" of all potential clients.

03.17.2006 Comment...
A Low Brow Defense, Part I
A handful of people have expressed doubts regarding my recently posted graphic depicting hipster celebrities. So, first and ten, here is my evidence against Jack White (née Gillis). And you can't plead the second this time, White!

1. Jack Gillis met Meg White in 1994, and took her last name when they married in 1996.
Verdict: Low Brow

2. Jack White grew up in Mexicantown, ironically the safest neighborhood in Detroit.
Verdict: High Brow

3. Jack and Meg White initially presented themselves as brother and sister, including the detail of being two of ten children. Jack has said that siblings are "mated for life," and thus such a relationship distracts less from the music.
Verdict: Low Brow

4. On December 13, 2003, Jack White beat up the lead singer of the worthless Von Bondies outside of a club in Detroit, Michigan.
Verdict: High Brow

5. Jack White is interested in taxidermy, which springs from his days in the upholstering industry. He collects stuffed animal heads, claiming they make him think about "life and judging things".
Verdict: Low Brow

6. Jack White has an obsession with the number three and all that it represents. This obsession allegedly comes from having once looked at a three-legged stool. Thanks, wikipedia, for an apocryphal claim that strengthens my argument ten-fold.
Verdict: Low Brow

7. The band (when on official duty) dresses only in red, white, and black.
Verdict: High Brow

8. Jack Gillis-White claims red, white, and black are the three most powerful colors in the universe.
Verdict: Low Brow

9. During the 2005 White Stripes tour of the UK, Jack White announced that he was changing his name to "Three Quid" for the duration of the tour.
Verdict: Low Brow

10. Jack White dated actress Renée Zellweger, and according to rumors he had her at hello.
Verdict: Very Low Brow

So there you have it once and for all, folks. The "Low Brows" win, seven to three - an indisputable knock-out victory in the 2006 Gillis-White Championship Series presented by Incredible Eagle. Thanks for tuning in.

03.14.2006 Comment...
Incredible Eagle Pleads the Fifth
A few days ago, I posted an e-mail regarding gun control in America, and I feel it deserves both an explanation and a sequel. First off, this gun control e-mail and its sequel (or prequel, rather), "The Thanksgiving Story", are not addressed to retarded children as you may have imagined. In fact, the audience is a middle-class Australian family whose young matriarch was befriended by Alana several years ago on a European bus tour.

Alana likes to keep her foreign friends up on American culture, so she sends them informative e-mails regarding gun control, the history of Thanksgiving, etc. from time to time. Then she forwards them to me to rub her knowledge and cosmopolitan essence in my face. Although her fifth grade essay phrasing is funny in and of itself, I prefer her irrelevant non sequitors and frequently incorrect facts (ie, mixing up the second and fifth amendments and claiming that Canada has no guns). So, without further ado, here is Alana's Thanksgiving Story:

-----Original Message-----
From: Alana Wagner
Sent: Wednesday, December 01, 2004 8:38 PM
To: Misc Australians (whose identities have been somewhat withheld)
CC: Incredible Eagle
Subject: Re: Thanksgiving

The U.S. was founded by pilgrams who wanted to escape religious persecution. They set sail on the Mayflower and landed on Plymouth Rock. Life was harsh for the pilgrams and many lives were lost the first winter. To celebrate their first harvest and their Native American friends they had a Thanksgiving. Among,the foods served on the first thanksgiving were fish and maize(corn).

Now we celebrate Thanksgiving on the fourth Thursday of every November. My family serves turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, stuffing, cranberry sauce, rolls, and pecan pie. I hate pumpkin pie and yams, but thats just me. Lots of people love pumpkin pie and yams, but I'm so not one of them.

In elementary school around Thanksgiving students usually work on little craft projects about what we're thankful for. These projects usually consist of using making a tracing of our hands on construction paper. This tracing turns into the shape of a turkey, which we then write the things we are thankful for, like family, etc.

Another big tradition on Thanksgiving is the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Macy's is a department store with their largest and oldest store located in New York City. Ever since the 1930s or before, Macy's holds a parade down the streets of NYC on Thanksgiving Day morning. Huge balloon animals float above the parade as people hold the balloon strings. Balloon animals such as Charlie Brown, Sponge Bob, etc. There are also many floats and celebrities singing holiday songs. From across the country various high school marching bands are invited to perform in the parade. There were about 8 or so bands in this year's parade and one of them was a local high marching band, so that was pretty big news.

On a side note, Thanksgiving is followed closely by Christmas in December, so this time of year is very difficult for Americans who are on diets and the like. There are always articles in the newspaper about keeping off the holiday weight and how not to overdo things at holiday parties.

03.13.2006 Comment...
Agendas and Motives
This article is from the front page of the January 10 edition of The Exponent, Purdue's student newspaper. The last, revealing sentence raised some serious doubts about Alito's Supreme Court candidacy and nearly derailed his nomination. Fortunately (for compassionate conservatives everywhere), it just ended up being a misprint.

03.10.2006 Comment...
Charlton Heston Pleads the Fifth

-----Original Message-----
From: Alana Wagner
Sent: Tuesday, 7 March 2006 5:34 AM
To: Misc Australians (whose identities have been withheld)
CC: Incredible Eagle
Subject: Gun Control in America

The 5th amendment is the right to bear arms. This was of course written at a time when the colonist needed guns to protect themselves. Sometimes there is talk that the amendment isn't necessary anymore but there are groups such as the NRA (National Rifle Association) of which the president is former actor Charlton Heston, who are very firm in their right to bear arms. In fact in a few years Phoenix will be the site of one of the national NRA conventions. woo hoo :(

As for your question, you have to have a gun license and it depends on the state and also the building as to if you can carry your gun inside. Usually you can't just go and buy a gun, it takes a few days for a background check to be done supposedly. But, of course there are always not quite so legal ways to get a gun if you want one sooner. On a side note, if you are a black belt you are suppoesd to register that when you move to a new state. I didn't know that until a friend of mine who took jujitsu told me. Now that is a random fact. but i guess that is because in that case your hands could be deadly weapons.

There is definitely a much bigger gun culture here, but also depending on where in the country you are. Rural areas, the south, the midwest are bigger with guns. Of course inner city areas also have guns, but not for hunting animals. I don't konw about entering a bank with a gun. But, all policemen here and security guards usually have guns strapped to their waist.

Canada is just like Australia and Britain. No guns.

03.07.2006 Comment...
Dracula: Re-Financed and Loving It
This is most likely the strangest advertisement that I have ever seen (see below). It was a banner ad on myspace.com, and I truly have no idea what it is trying to communicate. The banner is for lowermybills.com, which explains the mortgage blurb and the list of states. But what is up with the Jamster-mascot-style Dracula?

And the Valentine's Day theme... the arrow through two hearts and the rose clenched between Jamster-Dracula's teeth? Why is he playing a guitar? Why does his guitar release potential interest rates instead of cartoonish music notes? That doesn't even make any sense!

Who does this appeal to? What sort of homeowner is persuaded by such imagery to go ahead, after carefully considering it for years, and finally re-finance the house? Maybe I just don't get it because I am still a renter and possess a different mindset than the target market. Then again, its visually arresting styles did grab my attention like no other. Hats off to you!

03.03.2006 Comment...
Think Hip!