August 2006

08.29.2006 Comment...
Sunday Afternoon
On Sunday I went to Goodwill to buy a lampshade. My lack of adequate lampshading had been an ongoing issue. My previously naked lamp was inexplicably kept beside my TV, and challenged the sun for supremacy in the blinding of humans. Fortunately, the Goodwill on 22nd and Burnside is renowned for two things; first, its unparalleled collection of gently used lampshades. Second, its location only a few feet from my doorstep.

With these thoughts in my head, I marched over on Sunday afternoon and selected a beat up looking black lampshade marked 99 cents. The cashier was a dead ringer for Martin Scorsese, and I handed him my credit card. He kept swiping it but it didn't seem to be working. I told him that I could pay cash but he said, "No no it's not your card, it's this bloomin' machine! We must have bought it at Goodwill or something!"

Eventually he gave up and accepted my dollar bill. I took my lampshade and penny (there is no sales tax in Oregon) and stumbled outside into the sun. It was a hot day, probably 95 degrees. Just my luck, I flee the heat in Arizona only to come upon a record breaking summer in Portland. Most Oregonians blame it on global warming. I blame it on fate. Mel Gibson blames it on the Jews. I went home and installed my new lampshade; it was a perfect fit.

08.22.2006 Comment...
Snakes in a Theater
Two live diamondback rattlesnakes were released in an Arizona movie theater during a showing of the new film "Snakes on a Plane," according to Local 6 News. Authorities said pranksters released the young venomous rattlesnakes in a dark theater at the AMC Desert Ridge near Tatum and Loop 101 in Phoenix.

The two snakes caused a panic in the dark theater, according to the report. "That to me is very scary," herpetological association representative Tom Whiting said. "I would hate to be watching a movie about snakes and have a rattlesnake bite me." Wranglers were called to collect the snakes, the report said.

No one was injured in the incident and, so far, the culprits have not been caught. Officials believe the snakes were smuggled into the theater in backpacks. "This thing is under someone's chair and they go to sit and they just push your foot in the air and startle it -- obviously all they got to do is startle this thing," Phoenix Herpetological Society spokesman Daniel Marchand said. "It's dark. They can't see you, you know that well. If it's scared, boom it strikes." The snakes were released into the desert.

08.16.2006 Comment...
Hybrid Mutant Found Dead in Maine
TURNER, Maine (AP) - Residents are wondering if an animal found dead over the weekend may be the mysterious creature that has mauled dogs, frightened residents and been the subject of local legend for half a generation. The animal was found near power lines along Route 4 on Saturday, apparently struck by a car while chasing a cat. The carcass was photographed and inspected by several people who live in the area, but nobody is sure exactly what it is.

Michelle O'Donnell of Turner spotted the animal near her yard about a week before it was killed. She called it a "hybrid mutant of something." "It was evil, evil looking. And it had a horrible stench I will never forget," she told the Sun Journal of Lewiston. "We locked eyes for a few seconds and then it took off. I've lived in Maine my whole life and I've never seen anything like it."

For the past 15 years, residents across Androscoggin County have reported seeing and hearing a mysterious animal with chilling monstrous cries and eyes that glow in the night. The animal has been blamed for attacking and killing a Doberman pinscher and a Rottweiler the past couple of years. People from Litchfield, Sabattus, Greene, Turner, Lewiston and Auburn have come forward to speak of a mystery monster that roams the woods. Nobody knows for sure what it is, and theories have ranged from a hyena or dingo to a fisher or coydog, an offspring of a coyote and a wild dog.

Now, people are asking if the mystery beast and the animal killed over the weekend are one and the same. Wildlife officials and animal control officers declined to go to Turner to examine the remains. By Tuesday, the carcass had been picked clean by vultures and there was not much left of the dead animal.

Loren Coleman, a Portland author and cryptozoologist, said it's unlikely that the animal was anybody's pet. After reviewing photos of the carcass, Coleman said he was bothered by the animal's ears and snout. It reminded him of a case years ago in northern Maine in which an animal shot by a hunter could not be identified. In the end, wildlife officials got a DNA analysis that showed the animal was a rare wolf-dog hybrid, he said. Mike O'Donnell, who is married to Michelle O'Donnell, said the animal looked "half-rodent, half-dog" to him. It was charcoal gray, weighed between 40 and 50 pounds and had a bushy tail, a short snout, short ears and curled fangs hanging over its lips, he said. It looked like "something out of a Stephen King story. This is something I've never seen before. It's an evil-looking thing," he said.

08.11.2006 Comment...
Photos from Alberta
I put some photos online from the trip to Canada last week. You can check them out here. I might try to put some more up later when I get back to Portland. I am leaving for Phoenix tonight. Exquisite timing. Airport security is going to be an unprecedented hassle and could remain that way for a long time. Air travelers may permanently have to give up personal electronics like laptops, cameras, and iPods, all of which could be used to detonate explosives if brought into the cabin.

According to the AP, "Some envision a group of two or three terrorists mixing up explosives in an airplane bathroom, perhaps even using commonplace materials such as hydrogen peroxide and detonating their bomb with the battery from a cell phone or some other small electronic device. 'In mid-flight you could go into the toilet, attach the mobile phone to the explosives and, as the plane makes a final approach over a densely populated urban area, you detonate it,' said Irish security analyst Tom Clonan. To puncture an aircraft's fuselage would require an explosive charge 'half the size of a cigarette packet,' he said.

"That means airport security screening, now focused on detecting weapons and large amounts of explosives, might have to ban such items as cell phones, hand sanitizer and contact lens solution. Flying could become an experience of extreme privation from the conveniences of modern life, preceded by even more onerous security screening." All of which sucks for the Incredible Eagle, who is too lazy to spread his own wings and continues to rely on commercial flights for long distance travel. Here's to happier days, simpler people, and pictures of you, Alberta.

08.09.2006 Comment...
Rocky Mountain High
I went on a camping trip in Alberta, Canada last week with my friend Garret. From Portland, we drove up through British Columbia to the Canadian Rockies in Alberta and back. On the way we visited Kootenay National Park and Yoho National park in British Columbia, Banff National Park and Jasper National Park in Alberta, as well as Edmonton and Calgary on the drive back.

The trip was amazing and the scenery was really beautiful. We saw a herd of elk in Banff and hiked up onto a glacier in Jasper. However, the coup de grāce was visiting the largest mall in the world - the West Edmonton Mall in Edmonton, Alberta. The West Edmonton Mall features over 800 stores, six amusement parks, a 335 room hotel, plus its very own Chinatown. And I thought America was cool! I'll be putting up some photos from the trip soon. In the meantime, I have put a few photos from around Portland and the Pacific Northwest online. Check them out.

Also, I'll be in Arizona from August 11 until probably the 17th - my birthday is on the 15th. If you're in Phoenix around then, give me a call and let's hang out. I'm going to drive back up to Portland around the 17th with my dad. See you soon, harsh climate!