October 2006

10.26.2006 Comment...
OJ Simpson to Confess, News at 10
But first, a "Tower of Babel" device that gives the illusion of being bilingual is being developed by US scientists. Sounds like a useful thing to have if you're one of Joe Arpaio's prisoners. Users simply have to silently mouth a word in their own language for it to be translated and read out in another. The researchers said the effect was like watching a television program that had been dubbed. This reminds me of a scene at the end of Star Trek IV some macho movie I watched last weekend, where a bunch of aliens from different planets hot babes from different countries use devices to dub their voices into a common language.

On to OJ: the former football great, who was acquitted in criminal court 11 years ago of killing his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ron Goldman, reportedly has been paid $3.5 million to write about the double murder that shocked and riveted the nation in 1994. But Simpson is not actually confessing to the murder — rather, he's writing a "hypothetical" book — tentatively to be called "If I Did It."

The first part of the book tells how Simpson fell in love with Nicole and how the marriage collapsed. He goes on to describe in gruesome detail the killing of his ex-wife and Goldman; he stipulates that the murder scenes are "hypothetical." But, the descriptions are "so detailed and so chillingly realistic" that readers are left with little doubt as to what really happened. Simpson can never be re-tried for the murders because of double jeopardy laws.

If you think OJ's being a little inappropriate, you're just looking at taboos from an American perspective. According to a recent survey in Britain conducted by Hasbro, the two most unacceptable public practices are, in descending order, being naked in public, and wearing a hoodie. At this time, let me point out that, one, the terms "Hasbro" and "hoodie" do in fact mean the same things to Americans and Britons, and, two, that the second worst public practice seems like a pretty decent remedy for the first.

According to Hasbro's survey, wearing a hooded sweatshirt in public is worse than breast feeding, loud ringtones, arguing, drinking alcohol, littering, smoking, and flatulence in public. My research into this yielded something of an explanation - apparently a lot of thugs wearing hoodies have recently been robbing British stores, using the hoods to hide stolen merchandise. It also took me a while to realize why the maker of Monopoly and Pictionary would conduct a survey about social taboos. Anyway, I think the only way for an American to truly understand these survey results is to strap on a Tower of Babel device and learn what those taboos' American equivalents really are.

So, I tried on one of the Babel researchers' prototypes and, in an excellent Cockney accent, mouthed the words "wearing a hoodie in public." The device spoke in a John Wayne accent: "Wearing denim shorts." Then I mouthed the words "being naked in public." The device said, aloud, "Murdering your ex-wife, escaping justice, and getting paid millions of dollars to write a book about it."

10.24.2006 Comment...
Breaking News: Pelican Swallows Pigeon Whole
The UK Daily Mail reports that families strolling through a London park were left shocked when a pelican picked up and swallowed an unsuspecting pigeon. The Eastern White pelican struggled with the desperately frantic pigeon in its beak for more than 20 minutes before swallowing it whole. The moment was caught on camera by photographer Cathal McNaughton, who was taking pictures of the wildlife in St James's Park. The pigeon was still alive when it reached the pelican's stomach, he said.

In other British "survival of the fittest" news, the BBC reports that humanity may split into two sub-species as predicted by HG Wells. Evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry of the London School of Economics expects a genetic upper class and a dim-witted underclass to emerge. The human race would peak in the year 3000, he said - before a decline due to dependence on technology.

People would become choosier about their sexual partners, causing humanity to divide into sub-species, he added. The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the "underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures. Before that however, humans will evolve in 1,000 years into giants between 6ft and 7ft tall, he predicts, while life-spans will have extended to 120 years, Dr Curry claims.

Physical appearance, driven by indicators of health, youth and fertility, will improve, he says, while men will exhibit symmetrical facial features, look athletic, and have squarer jaws, deeper voices and bigger penises. Women, on the other hand, will develop lighter, smooth, hairless skin, large clear eyes, pert breasts, glossy hair, and even features, he adds. Racial differences will be ironed out by interbreeding, producing a uniform race of coffee-coloured people.

Unfortunately, it seems that these predictions may be fulfilled ahead of schedule; in fact, Arizona's population has already devolved into a sub-species of superstupid suburban mongoloids. Researchers at Morgan Quitno Press determined that Arizona is the least intelligent state in the nation after analyzing statistics from federal agencies and census data. Of course, as a friend of mine pointed out, this is only because the tests were administered in English.

Civic leaders have failed, but not to worry. Sheriff Joe Arpaio showed up, stared Espanol right in the eye, and said "There ain't room in this town for the both of us." Non-English-speaking inmates in Maricopa County jails began mandatory English classes on Monday. At the end of their two-week course, inmates must take a test to see how well they learned about American government, the words to God Bless America, and the communication of health and safety needs (if only that pigeon knew how to say "pelican").

"These inmates happen to be incarcerated in the United States of America and in Maricopa County where I run the jails," Sheriff Joe Arpaio said in a statement. "And we speak English here, not foreign languages. Boo-yah!"

10.17.2006 Comment...
Urine Sample: A Photoblog

10.11.2006 Comment...
Celebrity Lookalikes: A Photoblog

10.02.2006 Comment...
The World's First Perfect Album
This is a tale of two albums really, and let's start at the beginning. My favorite Swedes, The Hives, are readying a new CD for mass consumption and even masser destruction. The best part of it all is that this follow-up to "Tyrannosaurus Hives" is tentatively titled "The World's First Perfect Album!" Unreal. Previously, The Hives released a sort-of greatest hits compilation called "Your New Favourite Band" after only their first successful album.

The band has songs in its discography with names like "Uptempo Venomous Poison," "The Hives Declare Guerre Nucleaire," "Abra Cadaver," "Diabolic Scheme," and "What's That Spell? ...Go To Hell!" Furthermore, The Hives claim all their songs are written by a Svengali named Randy Fitzsimmons and the band consists of members Howlin' Pelle Almqvist, Nicholaus Arson, Vigilante Carlstroem, Dr. Matt Destruction, and Chris Dangerous.

Much like this website, Howlin' Pelle is known for his nonsensical and often arrogant asides. During the 2005 Big Day Out festival in Sydney, Pelle told the audience "Bad music is the devil and I will be your exorcising priest, helping you out! How does that feel Sydney?" At the end of another show, he told the audience, "Thank you for flying Hives Airlines. We hope you had a great flight and decide to return again soon!" Hopefully, this psychosis will truly result in the world's first perfect album.

A Tale of Two Albums, Part Two: New Jersey's finest, Yo La Tengo has a new CD out. The twenty year veterans of noisy drone pop and delicate, whispery ballads usually title their albums with touchy-feely half-sentences. However, their new album is called... get ready... "I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass!" Calling an album that infinitely trumps calling a blog "This Is True Even If You Do Not Believe It." I mean, this is the indie equivalent of Coldplay or Michael Bolton calling one of their records "I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass." Incredible as the album's name is, the story behind it is even better.

The title of the album is from a quote attributed to Tim Thomas during his days playing with the New York Knicks. Sitting on the Knicks bench during a game, Thomas was caught on tape by the MSG Network in a profane exchange with teammate Stephon Marbury. Thomas yelled at Marbury, "Everyone in this organization is afraid of you, but I'm not, and I will beat your ass." If you're not familiar with Tim Thomas, he played for the Suns last year. Every time he hit a three pointer, he would wave his hand in front of his face, pretending to blow on his fingers because, well, they were on fire.

It's an excellent album and my favorite release of 2006 (I strongly recommend you check it out), but a very ironic name for a consummately wimpy band. Sixteen years ago, guitarist Ira Kaplan was giving an interview to The Washington Times from a New York City payphone. The conversation concluded with Kaplan saying, "I think I'm about to be beaten up by this guy who wants to use the phone. I'll call you right back." He didn't.